For the past few months, I've been searching my memories trying to pinpoint the exact period of time where I became insecure. What I realized is the process was gradual.
Seeds of insecurity were planted in my mind, nurtured, watered, rooted and blossomed into what I thought was a part of my personality.
Experiences with disappointment, discouragement and betrayal, all contributed to the slow evolution of insecurity in my life.
What is insecurity?
Insecurity is defined as uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence, the state of being open to danger or threat. The definition of insecurity is so profound to me because for years I viewed insecurity as weakness. I never allowed myself to acknowledge it because in hindsight, I was trying to avoid the shame I felt when dealing with it. I'd convinced myself that insecurity was a "basic b*&!h" trait and I'm not basic or a b*&!h so I obviously couldn’t relate. All-the-while the weight of insecurity was beating me down. I don't know what it feels like to die but I likened my internal experience to dying. My soul felt severely dehydrated. Insecurity often breeds other emotions.
How do insecurities form?
Often times insecurity is planted in us by an experience or a voice. This looks like a lack of positive reinforcement, trauma, mental health issues, cultural/societal expectations, failure/rejection, social comparisons and childhood experiences. Maybe you attempted to pursue your true passion, failed once and the experience of failure made you insecure. Maybe you experienced betrayal and now you feel insecure in relationships-platonic, romantic, familial or professional, because you no longer trust your own judgment. Maybe a family member, teacher or mentor projected their insecurities on to you, now you struggle to get their unconstructively critical voice out of your mind. Insecurity seems to work interchangeably with discouragement.
Discouragement is defined as a loss of confidence or enthusiasm, or dispiritedness. Discouragement introduced itself to me as young as ten years old. I'd always quit extracurricular activities when any form of challenge presented itself to me. I never understood why until I began my journey of healing as an adult. Insecurity convinced me that I couldn't overcome the challenge of perfecting extracurricular activities despite limitless encouragement from my coaches. In adulthood, insecurity told I couldn’t handle another breakup, so I settled for less than I deserved romantically, platonically, professionally and in familial dynamics. Insecurity and discouragement seem to work interchangeably. I figured settling was better than being alone. Insecurity breeds anxiety, guilt, shame, depression and fear. This is because it causes you to hide who you are. Insecurity causes you to shrink back instead of stepping boldly.
I found my biggest breakthrough from insecurity by walking away from relationships that mirrored it back to me. I'll explain. When we allow emotions to be the driving force of our lives, decision making and how we show up in the world, we subconsciously gravitate towards relationships that mirror our internal beliefs back to us. No matter how good of a facade we display, if we're attentive enough, we can tell when a person is insecure by the treatment they accept from a romantic partner for example. We also conclude that a person struggles with insecurities by the unhealthy platonic dynamics they’re willing to “fight for”. We can also tell by the amount of greatness within the person that is not be outwardly expressed or cultivated. We can also spot insecurity interwoven in those who constantly compare themselves others. Comparison is the thief of joy after all.
How to overcome insecurity?
In order to overcome you have to sit down and pinpoint where it started. Remembering and reflecting can be so powerful when done with intention. Next, take your power back from the experience or person. You don’t necessarily have to have a conversation with the person that planted the seed of insecurity.
If you feel the need for closure, understand that closure comes from within. It may be helpful to write a no send letter. A no send letter is a letter that you write, addressed to the person that harmed you. In this letter you speak bluntly. This allows you "process complex emotions, articulate your feelings honestly, and gain clarity on a situation without the risk of sending potentially harmful or inflammatory words to the recipient". The letter is for you, it’s a tool in helping you to take your power back. I didn't coin this phrase, but I use it often, "God can't heal what you won't reveal". The purpose of the exercise is for you to finally acknowledge and release your pain while gaining clarity.
Next, you have to participate in the renewing of your mind. This looks like, thinking about your thoughts, meditating on scripture, speaking affirmations over yourself, journaling, voice notes and therapy. There are many other methods but the previously listed are an excellent starting point. I this blog post find ps you well. Continue to bloom.
Affirmations
I am anointed and appointed. Not disappointed.
I am courageous. Not discouraged.
I am valuable. Not damaged goods.
I am confident. Not timid.
I am whole. Not broken.
I am secure in my identity. Not insecure.
I am powerful. Not powerless.
I am one decision away from the life God intended for me.
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